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12/23/11

Demetri Martin: "Thinking the glass is half-full doesn't necessarily make you an optimist. It depends on what's in the glass."

He’ll never get rich, he’s got the airplane drawn wrong.

12/20/11

That's page 9,638,421 of the naughty list he's working on. It'd be shorter if they didn't have that 48 point header on every page.

Merry Xmas everybody! Hope this finds you happy and indoors.  J

11/27/11

Experienced presenters at the Horse Congress know to phrase their questions to get the outcome they desire. The Nays will ALWAYS have it.

Zsan tells me that there need to be at least two horses on cell phones for authenticity. Don’t be

silly ma’am, horses don’t have  cell phones.

8/28/11

Who knew that Jerry Seinfeld was a Time Lord?

Seriously, get those books.

8/8/11

Seriously geek humor, this. Also incorrect; it’s not useful on this axis in this instance. Same axis over a pit of lava, very useful.

8/6/11

Just as a test, I tried simply mixing turpentine and India Ink. It doesn't work, that girl is STILL not speaking to me.

You have to go with the parameters you know. I was also going to add a few cages full of people with the labels

“Control Group: Can’t tell if it’s day or night” and “Kisses everything in sight”. You need control groups if you’re

really going to test the efficacy of your formula, but it seemed to carry it too far…

7/23/11

The song you're supposed to use for timing is "Staying Alive". If you do a ballad like "Tomorrow" there may not BE any tomorrow.

Annie is the most kissed girl in the world. I think it may be because of the blank stare; guys like that.

7/18/11

Hippo pot amus. It's Latin for "hippos love pot".

Big mouths, big butts… yup, that’s us all right. I figured with all the rhinos and dinos running loose in DC there might could be a more accurate Jumanji characterization.

7+4=11

On my planet Commandos is a breakfast cereal. That forces you to eat it.

It’s kind of GI Joe and what might be a Nazi. Or a biker. It might also be Kaiser Wilhelm. The plane was a little turbulent here, give me a break.   J

6/29/11

I try to get around the problem of my mattress knowing my secrets by being totally uninteresting. It's the same strategy I use for all the surveillance trained on us these days.

It’s made from Amnesium.

6/27/11

In Heaven, you get ukuleles.

Hiya Libby. Truer words were never spoken, yes?  J

6/14/11

I always wondered about this expression. I do not put my pants on one leg at a time. I don't JUMP into them either, but it's definitely both legs. Do we not have something else in common? Bipedal carbon based lifeforms? Prisoners of desire?

It’s good to see the girls again.

6+5=11

They seriously considered changing the course of this satellite when Pluto got demoted; there was a Plan B that would allow a second fly-by on Jupiter and miss Pluto but pick up "other Large Kuiper Belt Objects", which is what Pluto has been demoted to.

Most of us have similar questions of our creators from time to time.

5/26/11

Geeks among us might note, I'm mixing Arnold with the Conan of Boris Vallejo, and using the title font from Marvel Comics. Or instead they might note that I think better than I am capable of executing. : ) Oh, note: The face-slapping ass-kicking dance is called the Schuhplatte.

He’ll feel better once he gets to do that face-slapping ass-kicking dance.

5/25/11

Next time I decide I'm going to draw a barnyard full of RoadRunners, STOP ME.

An ongoing theme of mine these days: Biology trumps Chemistry and Physics. Case in point:

He can either buy an IndestructoBall and 120 lbs. of dynamite or he can buy one dozen fertilized

Road Runner eggs. Acme sells both.

3/24/11

Alternate caption: I don't CARE what it says in the contract, you can just find yourself another duck. The implication is that it doesn't matter whether Daffy ends up receiving or delivering the procedure, he wants no part of it. : )

Interestingly enough, this time of year is indeed vasectomy season. Because of March Madness, more men schedule the procedure now so they can watch as many games as possible. There’s around a 600% spike… um, no pun intended. And here in Utah, there’s a urologist advertising what a great idea that is and how you might like to get in on it. Hell, the ad made it sound like so much fun I’m thinking about having it done again. I like basketball as much as the next guy. By the way, I want bonus points for Elmer… Bugs and Daffy are kind of lamish, but Elmer is pretty good.

3/16/2011

It would figure that Cain would open a restaurant known for mixing milchik and fleishick.When you've got nothing left to lose...

Alternate caption from Veronica: “Try the apples.”  J  Seriously, though, if you’re ever at Famous Dave’s, the apples are indeed pretty good. You don’t need a snake to tell you that.

3/1/2011

 

You know, I’m really curious about the things we say.  And songs… children’s songs especially. “Casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde and the band played on…” Strawberry? Blonde? Well, okay, I can let that slide. I pictured a blonde with jam in her hair, but that actually worked okay in those pre-Strawberry Shortcake days. “… he’d glide ‘cross the floor with the girl he adored and the band played on/ His brain was so loaded it nearly exploded…”

WHAT? That’s even POSSIBLE?! ACCCCCK! Get these damn teachers AWAY FROM ME!

So why exactly we always jump on bargains is a fairly small blip in my Panicometer.

3/1/2011

We try SO hard to be original. But even I have a vampire script: “Dead Giveaway”. It starts with a young couple of mixed mortality. He’s undead, she’s not… and they win the lottery.  “Honey, what does it mean when your palm itches?”  “Well, it usually means you’re starting to decompose and it’s time for you to feed again. But maybe that’s just me.” <canned laughter>  <Janine is checking the lottery numbers against her ticket…>  “Oh my god! I just remembered. It means you’re coming into…” <together>  “MONEY!”